My mom raised me to be lady. Don't talk too much, don't dress to flashy, and know your place. My dad made breaking the rules unpredictably dangerous.
Yes, I know that is all BS of the highest order. I believe in good manners, but also equality. Also, life has taught me that good girls often finished last. But it is really hard to completely break that early childhood brain washing, um, training. I have gotten very good at fading into the background, despite my size. I don't like to wear shoes that make sound when you walk, or things that jingle. I feel like a rebel when I make unique clothing choices.
But just to confuse matters, I enjoy performing and speaking in front of a group. I enjoy it more when I am well prepared, but do not really freak if someone asks me to step up in front and say something, introduce someone, even sing a little song. I may pace and gain a little color, but it is excited energy more than fear.
A couple of weeks ago I took a little class on stage presence. I don't need to go into the whole background here about all my why's, just say I have some things I am thinking about trying to do and building skills never hurts and I wasn't doing anything better at the time. But I didn't know that I would learn anything new compared to the times I have taken stage voice, speech, and classes related to storytelling.
I mean, I didn't think I would really learn that much that would leave me thinking about life stuff.
But there was this one statement, "I have the right to take up space."
Sounds basic, of course everyone has the right to take up space.
Except when you don't. When you never get to sit in a comfortable chair that faces the TV because you are the youngest, you know you don't have the right. When your husband that loves you but freaks out in crowded places nudges you out of other people's way instead of just letting people go around, you feel like you are in the way just by being in a public space.
And if I have been angry at times, I still hadn't noticed how much it is a part of how I move through the world. I take the way less traveled not for the experience, but because I look at the other way and don't want to be in the way.
So in odd moments this has been coming back to me. I am in this space right now, and I have a right to take up this space. When I go to the restroom at work, why do I feel like I'm out of place walking through the department next door to get there? I have a right to be in that space. I have a right to ask the question, go through the door without apology, spread my arms, move a chair for the space I need to be comfortable.
I am not always succeeding, but I am noticing. I'm not being pushy or rude, it is not in my basic nature. You might not even notice. But it is here in my heart and mind and I am thankful for it.
I have the right to take up space, and so do you.
