Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Not the same single

I'm not good at hanging out with friends in my general age range that are single. 

I admit that part of it is my introversion. I don't relax in crowds. I much prefer quiet conversation with a few trusted friends, but nobody seems to have time for that. 

But also, it seems like my friends who are in my age range that are single are in that condition because of relationships that went wrong. They are single because of bad divorces, or lack of commitment, or just never meeting the right person. They are still hoping to meet the love of their lives, or they have given up.

Being a widow is different. I was married 23 years.  I have every confidence I would still be married today. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bragging, I'm not saying I'm better.  I'm just saying my perspective is different.

When you are in a lasting marriage, it isn't all rose petals and hearts. There were times that were really hard, and we didn't like each other very much. But commitment and underlying love got us through. Stubbornness helps.

And see, I have had that, I have had the "love of my life" and know it isn't the be all and end all - it just is. I don't have to prove anything about myself. I know the daily grind of love.

Sure, I would enjoy another relationship. I get lonely. I get horny. But I had a good marriage with someone who was also my closest friend. I could never settle for less. I'm not actively looking, I am not fixing myself up to impress anyone. I'm not going on dating sites or looking to be fixed up. The last time I got naked with someone besides a medical professional I was 26 years old. My body has changed, and not for the better. Safe sex still was not an issue then.

I have never had sex with a condom.

So really, it isn't just that I'm picky and not that interested, I am insecure and not even sure how this all works now.

So yeah, I'm single. Just not that kind of single. Sigh.

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