Saturday, November 19, 2016

Declaration of retreat

This is the way I am, the way many women are. Sometimes I need to talk about something that is bugging me because it helps me get my thoughts straight.  I don't really want anyone to fix it, though I would like to hear if you understand or identify with my feelings.  And if you have been in a similar position, if you have any insight. But please do leave your "should" at the door, don't want it, don't need it.

I feel like I have a troll in my life, and it is stealing a big chunk of my joy.

There is someone who is part of my extended circle, and is very active in many things, and has so many people who just adore her.  And for some reason, anytime she catches me by myself for a moment, manages to say something to me that ranges from passive aggressive to downright snarky and steals my joy about something I'm working on or something I am wearing or some task I felt I had accomplished nicely.

I have no defense against this, none. I am a ponderer, not a giver of snappy come backs. She says her little thing and moves on. Ten minutes later, or maybe the next day I'm suddenly "What the heck was that supposed to me?" and hurt and angry.

It has gotten to the point that I am now avoiding doing things I would usually enjoy, or approaching them with growing anxiety, just because I might encounter this person, might sustain another attack, and walk away feeling angry, hurt, foolish, and completely doubting myself.

And here is where I really don't need the shoulds.  Yes, I know I should just get over it, have confidence, do what I want, not let one person get in my way, confront her.  But those truly range, for me, from impossible to me seeing ways that it could only make the whole thing worse.

And this is what I really have never understood, because this truly is not the first time I've encountered behavior similar to this. How do these underhanded, sneaky, passers out of aggression towards individuals on the side, manage to maintain and seem so nice and whatever else to a group? That has got to be an exhausting juggling act after awhile.

In the meantime, if you see me taking a step back for now, yes there is something wrong. No, I really don't want to name names or try to tell you about it. I understand I'm an easy target in this kind of thing, can't help it, way I was raised and just never grew my skin thick enough.  I admit, it is my flaw, my fault, but the only defense I have ever found is retreat.  So I'm sounding that trumpet now.

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