I interrupt my not regularly scheduled ramblings to bring you this random collection of thoughts.
Someone noticed a change in my social media posts this week, mentioned it to me irl this morning, and I thought I knew what I was talking about, and I kind of did. But I have been feeling distracted all day, and realized there is more going on.
This is an emotionally complicated time of year for me. Next Saturday will mark the 11th anniversary of the day my best friend and love unexpectedly exited this life. It is always a time of reflection for me.
Obviously many things have changed. I mean, I moved all the way around the corner, live with 2/3 of my kids, have added grandchildren, work full time. And I still miss him, even though I wished him well on his journey at the time and meant it and still do. He had a difficult life and was worn out more than his age or visible health concerns would explain. But I knew him.
And to be honest, in some ways we were both freed from the prison of his negative self image from the abuse he suffered as a child. And I thought I would write more about how I could love him with all my heart and miss him with all my soul, and let still feel there are some positives. But then I end up sounding like this is better. But I don't know, he was in a place of beginning to be more settled in his heart, so I can't predict who he would have been on this side of those same years.
But I know who I am, in this process of becoming more truly myself. And part of what I am is, in the midst of all this family, feeling very alone. I'm kind of an oddball, always have been and always will be. Few people are interested in the range of things I'm interested in. Few people have an interest in the kinds of long deep conversations that I used to be able to have with my best friend. No one has time for that. I don't even have time for that. That doesn't stop me from wanting it. Real life and soul cravings are not always compatible.
And here is the other thing about why I'm writing about all this. There is a part of my that is wanting to back away from some things, stop doing those social parts of my life where I am being irritated by not feeling less lonely. Thinking maybe if I simplify my schedule and simplify my surroundings I will leave for space and time for the creative aspects I have been neglecting.
Wait, don't get all upset and tell me you would miss me. I haven't said I'm going to stop showing up. What I want you to hear is that this is a hard time of year for me, and I am a little emotionally ragged. If I"m quiet, if I back away from some things for a bit, if I'm not all "in the holiday spirit" please just give me a hug when you see me and give me some space.
Life is a journey. And even after 11 years, greif is a process. This may be a bump in the road, or I may be glimpsing a fork in the road just up around this next little bend. On the other hand, I may just need a nap. Life is weird that way, and however it works out, the story keeps going.