rusty hamster wheel

Warning; I'm about to be real honest about something that may be hard to hear.

It is no secret that I am fat.

There are a lot of things you can be and keep it a secret, but being fat isn't one of them.

I understand things about why I am fat that people don't like to hear; genetics, depression, and the slow suicide of not caring.  And I am a product of my society. I know fat makes me ugly and undesirable.  There have been times in my life that being undesirable have made me feel safe.

Now it makes me sad.

I am also enough of a product of my society that being older makes me feel ugly and undesirable.

Sometimes I think I would like to have another relationship; to once more feel the quickening of my pulse, to share gentle caresses, to...

But I'm fat and old and ugly and hideous and no one could possibly be attracted to me.

And if someone showed interest, I would think they were either some kind of pervert or trying to get something from me, and as I don't have anything worth anything, it is back to them being some kind of pervert.

And so here is the thought that runs across my mind from time to time.  Because I pre-reject myself do I put out vibes that are guaranteed to repel any interest in my based on, say, my sparkling wit or easy laughter.  Or just my kindness.

Because you don't have to tell me, unless you just can't help yourself, I know I am an intelligent, creative, kind person.  I am not hard to please, and I am near great in ways you will probably know.  Because I also have a broken truster and it is really hard for me to let people get close enough to know.

And it makes me sad.

It is a vicious circle.  It is a rusty hamster wheel of a circle squeaking in my brain.

Because there is a part inside of my that still feels desire, that still wants and dreams and sometimes feels attraction, knowing the whole time that it is surely impossibly out of my reach.

And I try to cheer myself up and give myself pep talks and say "you never know"
but I know.

And now you know that I know. So you can stop wondering.