Saturday, September 3, 2016

Last Thoughts?

Jesus once said this thing, no I'm not going to go look it up and quote chapter and verse, but it was about letting today's trouble be enough for today, don't worry about tomorrow.  We never know what is going to happen tomorrow.  Truth be told, we barely know what is going to happen with our next breath.

You never know when the conversation you are having with someone is going to be the last time you ever see them.  But we can't run around saying goodbye like it's the last time.

And so I fight a mighty battle.  Against myself.

I feel how I move slower than I used to, and more things hurt.  I hate that I am more sensitive to temperature extremes, bad air, and strange foods.  I don't stand up well from low places.  I am just not as bendy.  And I don't see any of this getting better.

But that doesn't mean I need to give up.

For example, I have started really working at poetry again.  It feels deeper and more meaningful than ever before in my life.  But every single stupid time I stand up and share it, I fight the battle.  I'm too old, I'm irrelevant.  What do you think, old lady, that you can get pack the years?  But the years are what I have, that is where the meaning comes from.

And I also find myself battling this idea, was that the last time and I didn't know it?  Will this be the last time?

Was that the last time I will ever be loved?

Was that the last time I will ever go to Disneyland?

When I go on this next camping trip, will this be the last one?

And the hard part is, some of these things might be true.  But I need to now worry about it.  I need to let today's troubles be enough for today.

Years ago, a friend of mine put it another way.  "Most people have one foot in yesterday and one in tomorrow, pissing all over today."

So, today I have been resting a bit, laughing a bit, thinking a bit.  Babies smiled at me, I did some sewing.  I wrote the first draft on a poem.

And tomorrow?  Tomorrow will come with its own worries, I'm sure.

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