Mid 60's in a small town in North Carolina, I went to the pool with some kids from my grandma's neighborhood. It was unfiltered, something this California kid had never seen. It was also segregated, I found out that day. On Friday the pool was drained and cleaned and refilled so it was sparkling clean on the weekend. Saturday through Wednesday, as it grew slowly greener and mossier it was whites only. Thursday was the day for the colored's. Little hot black kids hung on the fence the day I went. I never went back. I didn't have words, I didn't know how to express the confused feelings in my heart. I just didn't go back.
It was the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, and MLK was already a martyr. We marched and we voted and we picketed for civil rights. And we all said things were getting better. And we knew some people still wanted to live in a segregated world, but they would learn, we would grow, it would get better.
In 1970 just before I started High School in small town Florida in the middle of the first year it was integrated, a friend of my dad's told me a little of the town's history. No blacks lived in Ocoee. They chased them all out years ago. Burned a church down, with the people inside. Now they were bussing black kids in from the next town over, things were getting better. So much better that there was a cross burned on the school grass that spring.
Things were getting better, I mean, I remembered the Watts Riots. We were getting better, it would never be that way again. Yet, decades later, I cried as I watched South Central burn in the wake of Rodney King.
I can go into an electronics store by myself, with money in my pocket, ready to buy a computer or a TV, and be completely ignored, cannot even get anyone to talk to me. If I want to get my questions answered I have to take one of my adult children, and even though I ask the questions, the answers are addressed to them. I walk in with my black son in law, and from the moment we walk in the door, they are trying to help him. In the meantime, I think I could walk out with my pockets full. And no one would even see me. But of course, it's the same rules for everybody.
He stopped off for a soda one day, on the way to a friends house, and he was detained by the police, held in front of the store on the busy street where a lot of people know him. Heck, even one of the cops knew him, because he is one of those social guys that has friends everywhere. But he fit the description of someone who had robbed the store the day before. The description was "a tall black man wearing jeans and a dark t shirt." They checked him out and let him go, only took an hour or so. Good thing one of the cops knew him. But yeah, it's getting better, except when it isn't.
People are saying the only difference now is the cameras. We see more, we know more. The beatings and the violence are harder to keep secret. We are supposed to be getting better.
And you want to nitpic over the wording of a slogan, or the definition of a word. I guess that is easier than talking about what is actually happening.
How can we actually make things better? How can we be better?
Can you please stop arguing and start listening?
I know you, white person, you person who looks a lot like me, you person who has struggled in the economy the last few years, you person who just wants a safe neighborhood, who just wants to take care of your kids. I know you are worried about your way of life. You see the popular media thugs based on the real life problems that have been created by an oppressive system, and all you see is a threat. Please can you find a way to learn about the real problems, to know the real people. Can you think about your actions, your votes, your voice; are your choices helping or hurting?
Don't be afraid to talk to someone who looks different than you. Do you think what they want is any different? I know open dialog won't solve everything, but denying that it is happening doesn't solve anything, either. We have to try.
I have to believe that we can be better. I have to believe that it can get better.
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Friday, July 8, 2016
It Was Supposed to be Better by Now - another word
When I started writing this series of posts, it was sparked by a conversation between friends on Facebook. I never expected, while I was writing through my thoughts, that we would be see the tragic violence and loss of lives the last few days. My heart is aching.
Make no mistake, I believe in nonviolence. Even while I admit the our world is filled with violence, my heart's cry is that someday, somehow, we can grow up and learn better ways to deal with each other. Growing up means that we are willing to recognise that we still have things to learn. I have things to learn, I absolutely admit that. It wasn't that long ago the I really disagreed with the way the word racism was being redefined.
Language changes, though. We add words, we drop and shorten words, and we change how we use words. You can chose to insist on your definition and continue to have conversations that are filled with misunderstandings, or you can chose to learn the new usages and have conversations that just might make advances towards healing, justice, and peace. I can only give you the information, you chose your own adventure on this one.
The simplest definition of racism, the one I grew up with, is that it is the belief that your race is superior to another race. It was often used synonymously with prejudice. Now, that definition still does not make it a positive word, but it leaves open the concept of reverse racism.
But the newer usage and definition of racism add this; it only applies to a dominant culture. In the United States, white is still the dominant culture. A white person can be a racist. A minority person may be prejudiced, they may be bigoted, they may act out their forced role of the oppressed in angry and hurtful ways. But the response of a minority culture to the oppression of the dominant culture is not defined as reverse racism.
Now, you may not think that whites are still the dominant culture. I get that. Balances have been shifting, and that is uncomfortable sometimes. But one thing that really is certain in life is change. You can embrace it or fight it, but it is still going to happen.
Still not convinced we are the dominant culture? Look at the entertainment you enjoy. Think about the characters in the movies and TV shows you watch. Who are the good guys and who are the bad guys? Yes it is changing somewhat, becoming slightly more balanced, but whites still dominate the power roles. Whites also dominate in big business and politics.
I know, stereotypes exist for a reason. So let's think for a minute about one of those stereotypes; the black gang. Hardcore violent, drug dealing, pimping, blinged out. You know it well. Now, I'm not going to say that gangs don't exist, but are they really as dominant and taking over as the media portrays?
More important to our conversation, why do any gangs exist. Well, for a start, gangs have always existed. Groups of people have always formed alliances to protect their tribe, village, or other symbol of safety. There were such alliances in medieval Europe. We know about those other, overused media stereotype gangs; the mafia and chinese tongs. Sometimes gangs are called Board of Directors, Membership Committees, or militia. Gangs protect what is ours to make sure it stays ours. Sometimes we do that by illegal means, sometimes by legal, more often someplace in between.
And as an aside, one more word about movie and TV stereotypes. I'm sick to death of the "sassy Mexican Maid" and the "perky red-head computer geek girl." I'm tired of the predictable sitcom redo of "A Christmas Carol" or the "lets have a fake family crisis" where we review every episode so far. I'm sorry all you writers, producers and directors, I think you are being lazy. How about trying to be original.
And so when Jesse Williams stood up and talked about some of the very real racism in this country at an awards show, he was speaking about the organization he was being honored for. He spoke about an organization working to advance civil rights. He specifically spoke against violence and for education within the black community.
And now there are people trying to get him fired from his job. He is and actor on Grey's Anatomy, one of those rare shows that breaks stereotypes and portrays all kinds of people of all kinds of backgrounds, races and orientations, being intelligent and dumb and messing up and making amends and being human. All being very human.
I could try to make this fit together, but I'm still raw today. Humans are out there, arguing and nitpicking and effing shooting each other, and we can't even agree on language. If our assumptions are challenged, we cant even try to listen and understand before we begin to reject and argue.
We were supposed to be better by now.
Make no mistake, I believe in nonviolence. Even while I admit the our world is filled with violence, my heart's cry is that someday, somehow, we can grow up and learn better ways to deal with each other. Growing up means that we are willing to recognise that we still have things to learn. I have things to learn, I absolutely admit that. It wasn't that long ago the I really disagreed with the way the word racism was being redefined.
Language changes, though. We add words, we drop and shorten words, and we change how we use words. You can chose to insist on your definition and continue to have conversations that are filled with misunderstandings, or you can chose to learn the new usages and have conversations that just might make advances towards healing, justice, and peace. I can only give you the information, you chose your own adventure on this one.
The simplest definition of racism, the one I grew up with, is that it is the belief that your race is superior to another race. It was often used synonymously with prejudice. Now, that definition still does not make it a positive word, but it leaves open the concept of reverse racism.
But the newer usage and definition of racism add this; it only applies to a dominant culture. In the United States, white is still the dominant culture. A white person can be a racist. A minority person may be prejudiced, they may be bigoted, they may act out their forced role of the oppressed in angry and hurtful ways. But the response of a minority culture to the oppression of the dominant culture is not defined as reverse racism.
Now, you may not think that whites are still the dominant culture. I get that. Balances have been shifting, and that is uncomfortable sometimes. But one thing that really is certain in life is change. You can embrace it or fight it, but it is still going to happen.
Still not convinced we are the dominant culture? Look at the entertainment you enjoy. Think about the characters in the movies and TV shows you watch. Who are the good guys and who are the bad guys? Yes it is changing somewhat, becoming slightly more balanced, but whites still dominate the power roles. Whites also dominate in big business and politics.
I know, stereotypes exist for a reason. So let's think for a minute about one of those stereotypes; the black gang. Hardcore violent, drug dealing, pimping, blinged out. You know it well. Now, I'm not going to say that gangs don't exist, but are they really as dominant and taking over as the media portrays?
More important to our conversation, why do any gangs exist. Well, for a start, gangs have always existed. Groups of people have always formed alliances to protect their tribe, village, or other symbol of safety. There were such alliances in medieval Europe. We know about those other, overused media stereotype gangs; the mafia and chinese tongs. Sometimes gangs are called Board of Directors, Membership Committees, or militia. Gangs protect what is ours to make sure it stays ours. Sometimes we do that by illegal means, sometimes by legal, more often someplace in between.
And as an aside, one more word about movie and TV stereotypes. I'm sick to death of the "sassy Mexican Maid" and the "perky red-head computer geek girl." I'm tired of the predictable sitcom redo of "A Christmas Carol" or the "lets have a fake family crisis" where we review every episode so far. I'm sorry all you writers, producers and directors, I think you are being lazy. How about trying to be original.
And so when Jesse Williams stood up and talked about some of the very real racism in this country at an awards show, he was speaking about the organization he was being honored for. He spoke about an organization working to advance civil rights. He specifically spoke against violence and for education within the black community.
And now there are people trying to get him fired from his job. He is and actor on Grey's Anatomy, one of those rare shows that breaks stereotypes and portrays all kinds of people of all kinds of backgrounds, races and orientations, being intelligent and dumb and messing up and making amends and being human. All being very human.
I could try to make this fit together, but I'm still raw today. Humans are out there, arguing and nitpicking and effing shooting each other, and we can't even agree on language. If our assumptions are challenged, we cant even try to listen and understand before we begin to reject and argue.
We were supposed to be better by now.
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
It Was Supposed to be Better by Now - Friends
Studies have been done. No matter what we may think, we have more positive feelings about people who are like us; and the strongest, first cue is if they look like us. Psychologists speculate that this is a survival instinct; people who look like us may be part of our tribe, people who don't may be dangerous strangers.
But we are more advanced than that, we can reason our way out of this. The problem is, first impressions are still powerful. At some point, to form friendship outside your tribe, you are going to have to be uncomfortable.
Now, the standard line is, "But I have friends who are ______."
So, can we talk about that a little bit? White person to white person?
I'm not going to say what I have heard over the years. I'm not going to ask if you go to each other's homes. I used to hear that and feel all kinds of guilt, but the truth is I'm an introvert with social anxiety, and I hardly ever invite people over and I'm always uncomfortable going into other people's space. We all have different personalities on this one.
The real question is this; is your friendship the same as it is with your friends of your same race?
Do you tell the same jokes? I am not asking if you tell jokes about race sometimes. Some of these jokes poke fun at racist assumptions. But will you tell that same joke, if it is otherwise appropriate to the occasion and your sweet old aunt isn't there? Or maybe you are just a known a'hole and sometimes you just tell inappropriate jokes to anyone. My son is like that; he will acknowledge that he shouldn't tell it, then go ahead and tell it - to anyone. And he will take the crap for it. But he still has a rainbow of friends, because he really does treat everybody the same.
Can your friend who is a different race be themselves around you? Can you be yourself around them? Can you comfortably hang out, talk about your dreams, cry on each other's shoulders? Can you mess up, apologize, and move on?
Are they only your friend as long as they do not make you uncomfortable? As long as they do not act too ______ (black, gay, religious, geeky)?
If you really want to grow and become the best human you can be, then sometimes you have to be uncomfortable. Sometimes you have to listen to things you don't want to hear. Things that maybe show you the world in a different way. Sometimes, you need to be able to hear difficult truths about yourself. Been there, done that, it is hard sometimes.
In the end, though, you have to value the honesty. If you can't speak honestly and hear honestly, then they are not your friend. At most, they are a close acquaintance.
BTW, I have to say this uncomfortable thing. If you don't have friends like this of another race, but you do have sex fantasies about a particular race and try to hook up with them, that is not the opposite of being a racist. That is having a kink. People who have a kink know that they need to be discreet in finding a partner (partners?) to share that with. If you are not being discreet, you are being creepy and can expect rejection more often than not. That is not being a friend, either.
Housekeeping note: I have a busy evening tomorrow and will not have time to write and post, so I will have to skip a day. I have at least two more concepts I want to explore on this subject. If you have any questions at any time I would love to hear them, just understand I will be honest in my opinion. Also, if you feel I have missed something, please do speak up. This goes double if you are not white and feel I'm say something wrong. I know that I am not perfect and that I cannot possibly understand it all, so I treasure your perspective.
I really want this to be a conversation towards getting better.
But we are more advanced than that, we can reason our way out of this. The problem is, first impressions are still powerful. At some point, to form friendship outside your tribe, you are going to have to be uncomfortable.
Now, the standard line is, "But I have friends who are ______."
So, can we talk about that a little bit? White person to white person?
I'm not going to say what I have heard over the years. I'm not going to ask if you go to each other's homes. I used to hear that and feel all kinds of guilt, but the truth is I'm an introvert with social anxiety, and I hardly ever invite people over and I'm always uncomfortable going into other people's space. We all have different personalities on this one.
The real question is this; is your friendship the same as it is with your friends of your same race?
Do you tell the same jokes? I am not asking if you tell jokes about race sometimes. Some of these jokes poke fun at racist assumptions. But will you tell that same joke, if it is otherwise appropriate to the occasion and your sweet old aunt isn't there? Or maybe you are just a known a'hole and sometimes you just tell inappropriate jokes to anyone. My son is like that; he will acknowledge that he shouldn't tell it, then go ahead and tell it - to anyone. And he will take the crap for it. But he still has a rainbow of friends, because he really does treat everybody the same.
Can your friend who is a different race be themselves around you? Can you be yourself around them? Can you comfortably hang out, talk about your dreams, cry on each other's shoulders? Can you mess up, apologize, and move on?
Are they only your friend as long as they do not make you uncomfortable? As long as they do not act too ______ (black, gay, religious, geeky)?
If you really want to grow and become the best human you can be, then sometimes you have to be uncomfortable. Sometimes you have to listen to things you don't want to hear. Things that maybe show you the world in a different way. Sometimes, you need to be able to hear difficult truths about yourself. Been there, done that, it is hard sometimes.
In the end, though, you have to value the honesty. If you can't speak honestly and hear honestly, then they are not your friend. At most, they are a close acquaintance.
BTW, I have to say this uncomfortable thing. If you don't have friends like this of another race, but you do have sex fantasies about a particular race and try to hook up with them, that is not the opposite of being a racist. That is having a kink. People who have a kink know that they need to be discreet in finding a partner (partners?) to share that with. If you are not being discreet, you are being creepy and can expect rejection more often than not. That is not being a friend, either.
Housekeeping note: I have a busy evening tomorrow and will not have time to write and post, so I will have to skip a day. I have at least two more concepts I want to explore on this subject. If you have any questions at any time I would love to hear them, just understand I will be honest in my opinion. Also, if you feel I have missed something, please do speak up. This goes double if you are not white and feel I'm say something wrong. I know that I am not perfect and that I cannot possibly understand it all, so I treasure your perspective.
I really want this to be a conversation towards getting better.
Monday, July 4, 2016
It Was Supposed to be Better by Now - Freedom
Happy 4th July! Let's have picnics and barbecues, listen to bands and watch fireworks! Let's celebrate freedom!
"But the American Revolution happened so long ago, why does it even matter anymore?" said no American ever.
"But slavery was so long ago, and my ancestors never had slaves." said more white people than you can shake a sparkler at, and I get the concept, but I want to take a few minutes, today while we celebrate freedom, to talk about why slavery still matters.
I'm not going to go look up things and link them, you probably wouldn't read them anyway. I'm sure you know how to use Google if you really are interested.
I know you have heard it, those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it. You may think slavery would never happen again, but slavery is happening now. No, it isn't legal, but it still happens. There are still people who think it is perfectly all right to own a person who they see as a lower status and treat them anyway they wish.
But also, legal slavery was not as far in the past as you may think. Mauritania didn't abolish slavery until 1981. They didn't make it a crime until 2007. Let that sink in for a minute.
That is less than a decade ago.
But we are talking about racism in the United States, where slavery was abolished after the Civil War. That was a long time ago, right?
My Grandmother was born in the 1890's. She told me stories about traveling by covered wagon from Denton, Texas to Oklahoma Territory to live in a log cabin. She knew older relatives who were alive during the Civil War. She had a great aunt and uncle whose farm was burned down over their refusal to own slaves. No, she wasn't a first hand witness, but she knew first hand witnesses and I knew her and I'm still alive. Does that bring it a little closer for you?
And yes, other minority groups have faced discrimination and slavery in other times and places, and even in the US. I could talk about my Irish ancestors. We could have long discussions about other countries as well. Here is the difference, and one of the reasons it still matters; you can't just look at me and tell my great-great grandpa left Ireland starving, faced discrimination, and married a Native American. I'm an average American mutt. So is my son-in-law, but his skin color says that some of his people were most likely slaves in this country and, whether we like it or not, this has limited some his opportunity.
But there is another way the long term effects of slavery still matter. It's funny how we have no problem understanding the long term effects of inherited wealth. We know that kids who grow up in upper class homes are much more likely to attend university and have successful careers and good incomes. But we don't like to talk about how hard it is to break the barriers of poverty.
America is the land of opportunity; work hard and you can do or be anything. We all love a good, rags to riches success story. But you really need to understand, the really big jumps are rare, and even small steps are really hard. Slavery and some of the broken promises of the emancipation set many people up to live in poverty, the kind of poverty that is almost inescapable.
My dad grew up on a dirt road in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains. The dirt road he lived on climbed up a bit of a hill, took a dip, then ended at a bigger road, less than a mile. It was paved by the time I visited as a child, but it was still the poorest white neighborhood in town.
My Grandma's unpainted house with very limited indoor plumbing was near the bottom. Some of the houses on that part of the hill had been rebuilt, newer and nicer, some hadn't. There was a little store up at the dip, and the neighborhood kids would walk up there for candy and co-colas. Some of those houses up there were scary. You didn't want to look at the people sitting on the porches. They didn't like outsiders much. But walk just a few steps farther and there were wrought iron fences, broad lawns, and some of the most beautiful southern mansions I have ever seen in my life.
Old slave quarters and shanty towns and factory towns. Later, large complexes of public housing. American black ghettos. Impoverished urban areas dominated by the descendants of slaves and those who escaped. The aftermath of slavery didn't just leave poverty, it helped create "those" parts of towns. It made it easier to segregate and isolate. It made it easier to devalue and provide less public services, which makes these areas more vulnerable to natural disasters and crime. Ask New Orleans. Ask LA.
"Oh say does that star spangled banner yet wave,
O'r the land of the free"
Celebrate our country and our freedom today. But please, please be brave. Be brave enough to really open your eyes and to tell the truth about what freedom, who's freedom, you celebrate.
"But the American Revolution happened so long ago, why does it even matter anymore?" said no American ever.
"But slavery was so long ago, and my ancestors never had slaves." said more white people than you can shake a sparkler at, and I get the concept, but I want to take a few minutes, today while we celebrate freedom, to talk about why slavery still matters.
I'm not going to go look up things and link them, you probably wouldn't read them anyway. I'm sure you know how to use Google if you really are interested.
I know you have heard it, those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it. You may think slavery would never happen again, but slavery is happening now. No, it isn't legal, but it still happens. There are still people who think it is perfectly all right to own a person who they see as a lower status and treat them anyway they wish.
But also, legal slavery was not as far in the past as you may think. Mauritania didn't abolish slavery until 1981. They didn't make it a crime until 2007. Let that sink in for a minute.
That is less than a decade ago.
But we are talking about racism in the United States, where slavery was abolished after the Civil War. That was a long time ago, right?
My Grandmother was born in the 1890's. She told me stories about traveling by covered wagon from Denton, Texas to Oklahoma Territory to live in a log cabin. She knew older relatives who were alive during the Civil War. She had a great aunt and uncle whose farm was burned down over their refusal to own slaves. No, she wasn't a first hand witness, but she knew first hand witnesses and I knew her and I'm still alive. Does that bring it a little closer for you?
And yes, other minority groups have faced discrimination and slavery in other times and places, and even in the US. I could talk about my Irish ancestors. We could have long discussions about other countries as well. Here is the difference, and one of the reasons it still matters; you can't just look at me and tell my great-great grandpa left Ireland starving, faced discrimination, and married a Native American. I'm an average American mutt. So is my son-in-law, but his skin color says that some of his people were most likely slaves in this country and, whether we like it or not, this has limited some his opportunity.
But there is another way the long term effects of slavery still matter. It's funny how we have no problem understanding the long term effects of inherited wealth. We know that kids who grow up in upper class homes are much more likely to attend university and have successful careers and good incomes. But we don't like to talk about how hard it is to break the barriers of poverty.
America is the land of opportunity; work hard and you can do or be anything. We all love a good, rags to riches success story. But you really need to understand, the really big jumps are rare, and even small steps are really hard. Slavery and some of the broken promises of the emancipation set many people up to live in poverty, the kind of poverty that is almost inescapable.
My dad grew up on a dirt road in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains. The dirt road he lived on climbed up a bit of a hill, took a dip, then ended at a bigger road, less than a mile. It was paved by the time I visited as a child, but it was still the poorest white neighborhood in town.
My Grandma's unpainted house with very limited indoor plumbing was near the bottom. Some of the houses on that part of the hill had been rebuilt, newer and nicer, some hadn't. There was a little store up at the dip, and the neighborhood kids would walk up there for candy and co-colas. Some of those houses up there were scary. You didn't want to look at the people sitting on the porches. They didn't like outsiders much. But walk just a few steps farther and there were wrought iron fences, broad lawns, and some of the most beautiful southern mansions I have ever seen in my life.
Old slave quarters and shanty towns and factory towns. Later, large complexes of public housing. American black ghettos. Impoverished urban areas dominated by the descendants of slaves and those who escaped. The aftermath of slavery didn't just leave poverty, it helped create "those" parts of towns. It made it easier to segregate and isolate. It made it easier to devalue and provide less public services, which makes these areas more vulnerable to natural disasters and crime. Ask New Orleans. Ask LA.
"Oh say does that star spangled banner yet wave,
O'r the land of the free"
Celebrate our country and our freedom today. But please, please be brave. Be brave enough to really open your eyes and to tell the truth about what freedom, who's freedom, you celebrate.
Sunday, July 3, 2016
It was supposed to be better by now - words
"Why do we have to keep talking about this?"
"I'm so tired of hearing about this."
"So, anyway..."
It has gotten better, there are laws, so why do we have to keep talking about it?
Five years ago, your spouse beat you every day, now he only beats you once a month, so what is your problem? It's better and the law is on your side.
Is that too harsh? Sorry. But here is the truth, if you are, like me, a white person, you don't get to say when we are done talking about racism. You can decide if *you* want to stop talking about it. You can also isolate yourself from the real world and only have white friends. Totally your call, that is part of being white.
If you aren't white you don't have that luxury, because the real world won't let you forget.
The young professional black man I know that was turned down on an Air Bnb reservation, and he is pretty sure it is because of the color of his skin, though he can't prove it; he get's to say when we have talked about this enough.
The mom who has to teach her son how to behave if stopped by a cop while doing nothing, just so he won't be beaten or shot, and then prays every time he walks out of the door; she get's to decide when the conversation is over.
The intelligent, educated, dark skinned young man who goes to apply for a job and is always offered manual warehouse positions; he has a stake in this conversation.
Do I have to go on? You see the stories everyday. Girls who get singled out for dress code violations when the only difference between what they are wearing and a student not in trouble is the shade of their skin. The person who is followed by security every time they walk into a store, the person who is told they can't be a ______ because they don't have the right look. If you are tired of hearing about it, just stop and think a minute about how tired they are of having to live it.
The conversation needs to continue; because while it has gotten better in many ways, it still is not good.
Because it is a conversation, I want to spend a few minutes on some language I will be using as I continue this series. I want us to be clear, be on the same page, and I also always want you to be able to join the conversation, so I would like to hear if you have opinions on these terms beyond what I am now saying.
My parents both grew up in the south, so they grew up with the "n" word. I will not use that, and I really don't want to hear any justification you may have for it. I have heard them all and in my opinion none of them are sufficient for the inherent disrespect in that word.
The more polite word, as they were growing, was colored. There was a period of time when this was used in polite company by people who would still use the "n" word in private. When I was a very young child I was taught that negro was proper, and colored was acceptable. These are both still part of the name of some respected organizations. They are no longer considered appropriate and I do not use them.
When my family moved from a small, hippy friendly community in California to a small white town in Central Florida the first year they were forcefully integrated, I learned about violence, anger, fear, the existence of the Jr. KKK, but also about who gets to decide. My school held a vote about what term is acceptable, and the white students didn't get a vote. The decision was "black", and I have tended to use that term since. In formal writing, and if the term fits, African-American is prefered, and I will sometimes use this, but it is clunky. I have checked in with a couple of my black friends, and they said that black is still fine. I try to make it a rule to call people what they want to be called, and I prefer to call my friends by their name. But when you are talking about this subject, you need a general term. Any of my friends who are not white are welcome to tell me if they have another preference. They get to decide.
Another word that I think confuses some people in my age group that I may use is privileged. I understand your confusion. When I was growing up this meant kids born into money. This was kids in big houses who went to private schools and had ponies. Now it means people who have some advantage over other people, usually just because of some accident of birth, but sometimes earned.
Now, you may be saying that you aren't privileged. You have had to work hard for what you have. You didn't grow up rich. But think for a minute about the things children and young adults need to succeed in school and job training. Did you have healthy food, clothing, a safe place to live? What was your school like? Were the books up to date? Think about transportation, the availability of extracurricular and enrichment programs. Think about the number of successful adults in your life, did you get help and guidance in continuing to higher education or job training? Add into this, the biases that cause one job candidate to be chosen over another. This is the way I will be using the term, if it comes up. I know everything is not always easy, that is not what we are talking about. We don't all face the same degree of hard.
And maybe we need to find better ways to talk about all of this. Maybe none of these terms are the best. But guess what, to find a better way to talk about it, we have to keep talking about it. I know it is uncomfortable sometimes, but it isn't all about you, and we need to be better.
"I'm so tired of hearing about this."
"So, anyway..."
It has gotten better, there are laws, so why do we have to keep talking about it?
Five years ago, your spouse beat you every day, now he only beats you once a month, so what is your problem? It's better and the law is on your side.
Is that too harsh? Sorry. But here is the truth, if you are, like me, a white person, you don't get to say when we are done talking about racism. You can decide if *you* want to stop talking about it. You can also isolate yourself from the real world and only have white friends. Totally your call, that is part of being white.
If you aren't white you don't have that luxury, because the real world won't let you forget.
The young professional black man I know that was turned down on an Air Bnb reservation, and he is pretty sure it is because of the color of his skin, though he can't prove it; he get's to say when we have talked about this enough.
The mom who has to teach her son how to behave if stopped by a cop while doing nothing, just so he won't be beaten or shot, and then prays every time he walks out of the door; she get's to decide when the conversation is over.
The intelligent, educated, dark skinned young man who goes to apply for a job and is always offered manual warehouse positions; he has a stake in this conversation.
Do I have to go on? You see the stories everyday. Girls who get singled out for dress code violations when the only difference between what they are wearing and a student not in trouble is the shade of their skin. The person who is followed by security every time they walk into a store, the person who is told they can't be a ______ because they don't have the right look. If you are tired of hearing about it, just stop and think a minute about how tired they are of having to live it.
The conversation needs to continue; because while it has gotten better in many ways, it still is not good.
Because it is a conversation, I want to spend a few minutes on some language I will be using as I continue this series. I want us to be clear, be on the same page, and I also always want you to be able to join the conversation, so I would like to hear if you have opinions on these terms beyond what I am now saying.
My parents both grew up in the south, so they grew up with the "n" word. I will not use that, and I really don't want to hear any justification you may have for it. I have heard them all and in my opinion none of them are sufficient for the inherent disrespect in that word.
The more polite word, as they were growing, was colored. There was a period of time when this was used in polite company by people who would still use the "n" word in private. When I was a very young child I was taught that negro was proper, and colored was acceptable. These are both still part of the name of some respected organizations. They are no longer considered appropriate and I do not use them.
When my family moved from a small, hippy friendly community in California to a small white town in Central Florida the first year they were forcefully integrated, I learned about violence, anger, fear, the existence of the Jr. KKK, but also about who gets to decide. My school held a vote about what term is acceptable, and the white students didn't get a vote. The decision was "black", and I have tended to use that term since. In formal writing, and if the term fits, African-American is prefered, and I will sometimes use this, but it is clunky. I have checked in with a couple of my black friends, and they said that black is still fine. I try to make it a rule to call people what they want to be called, and I prefer to call my friends by their name. But when you are talking about this subject, you need a general term. Any of my friends who are not white are welcome to tell me if they have another preference. They get to decide.
Another word that I think confuses some people in my age group that I may use is privileged. I understand your confusion. When I was growing up this meant kids born into money. This was kids in big houses who went to private schools and had ponies. Now it means people who have some advantage over other people, usually just because of some accident of birth, but sometimes earned.
Now, you may be saying that you aren't privileged. You have had to work hard for what you have. You didn't grow up rich. But think for a minute about the things children and young adults need to succeed in school and job training. Did you have healthy food, clothing, a safe place to live? What was your school like? Were the books up to date? Think about transportation, the availability of extracurricular and enrichment programs. Think about the number of successful adults in your life, did you get help and guidance in continuing to higher education or job training? Add into this, the biases that cause one job candidate to be chosen over another. This is the way I will be using the term, if it comes up. I know everything is not always easy, that is not what we are talking about. We don't all face the same degree of hard.
And maybe we need to find better ways to talk about all of this. Maybe none of these terms are the best. But guess what, to find a better way to talk about it, we have to keep talking about it. I know it is uncomfortable sometimes, but it isn't all about you, and we need to be better.
Saturday, July 2, 2016
It Was Supposed to be Better by Now
A few years ago I went to the home of my son-in-law's family for Thanksgiving. There I met two little boys, cousins I think, somewhere just a bit beyond toddlers. They were so cute, as they bounced around and showed off some new little handheld video games. I watched them with the delight I always find in children just being children. And then suddenly I felt the weight of the world.
The news had been filled, at that time, with the controversy over the police shooting of a young black man. And this had led to the fast and furious exchange of memes and blogs and arguments about violence against and violence and crime within the black community. And I looked at my daughter, with all her joy in her marriage to her African-American husband, and I looked around the room at his extended, educated, professional family. I looked at these two beautiful, bright boys, and I wondered about their future survival. I looked back at my daughter, knowing her desire to have children, and I wondered about the challenges that any children they have might face. And it wasn't that it was a new line of thinking, but it suddenly just all felt a lot more personal.
I step cautiously into the discussion of racism, but some recent conversations have pushed me to begin to write about some of what has been in my heart since that day. The caution I feel is my recognition of my whiteness. I don't pretend to be able to really understand, and I would not presume to speak for any of my black friends or family. But, I have spoken out some of the words of what I have seen, and what I think, and they say I get it.
I have lived through so many decades of this conversation. Even when I was young and didn't have the words or the voice, I had feelings and thoughts beyond my ability to express. And I have the heritage, stories of parents and grandparents transitioning through historic historical times and changing attitudes. We are our stories. We are our family's stories.
And I have this, I have my grandchildren. I have two grandchildren who are half Mexican, one who is half Filipino, and now one who is half African-American. All of them are beautiful and bright and hold my heart in their hands. I don't know if my voice can or will make a difference in the conversation, but I have to try - for them.
Because, it was supposed to be better by now, we were supposed to be better by now.
I don't know how long this will take, but I am going to try to write everyday, until I say what I need to say. Please, if you find value, if you want to add to the conversation, I want to hear your voice. And if you feel inclined, don't hesitate to share my words. Thank you for caring enough to listen.
The news had been filled, at that time, with the controversy over the police shooting of a young black man. And this had led to the fast and furious exchange of memes and blogs and arguments about violence against and violence and crime within the black community. And I looked at my daughter, with all her joy in her marriage to her African-American husband, and I looked around the room at his extended, educated, professional family. I looked at these two beautiful, bright boys, and I wondered about their future survival. I looked back at my daughter, knowing her desire to have children, and I wondered about the challenges that any children they have might face. And it wasn't that it was a new line of thinking, but it suddenly just all felt a lot more personal.
I step cautiously into the discussion of racism, but some recent conversations have pushed me to begin to write about some of what has been in my heart since that day. The caution I feel is my recognition of my whiteness. I don't pretend to be able to really understand, and I would not presume to speak for any of my black friends or family. But, I have spoken out some of the words of what I have seen, and what I think, and they say I get it.
I have lived through so many decades of this conversation. Even when I was young and didn't have the words or the voice, I had feelings and thoughts beyond my ability to express. And I have the heritage, stories of parents and grandparents transitioning through historic historical times and changing attitudes. We are our stories. We are our family's stories.
And I have this, I have my grandchildren. I have two grandchildren who are half Mexican, one who is half Filipino, and now one who is half African-American. All of them are beautiful and bright and hold my heart in their hands. I don't know if my voice can or will make a difference in the conversation, but I have to try - for them.
Because, it was supposed to be better by now, we were supposed to be better by now.
I don't know how long this will take, but I am going to try to write everyday, until I say what I need to say. Please, if you find value, if you want to add to the conversation, I want to hear your voice. And if you feel inclined, don't hesitate to share my words. Thank you for caring enough to listen.
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