Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Kinky

I admit it, I am slightly kinky.  And I have to say it that way.  Even better I should say "I confess."  Because I am saying I am outside the norm and outside the norm means I must feel shame, and hide it, and try to change it, or at least act normal.

I'm talking about this because...?  Well, there has been a lot of growing acceptance for LGBT the last few years and woohoo!  But I still don't think we are really talking all the truth of sexuality.  Let me explain.

People are complicated.  Psychologists have studied twins who were separated at birth to answer that age old question: nature or nurture?  How much of our personality is genetic and how much is formed by our upbringing and life experiences?  And over and over again, it ends up being about 50/50.

And it is pretty well established that they have found hormonal and brain differences and all kinds of other evidence to show that being LGBT is birth, not choice.  I have heard many firsthand stories that back this up; people who knew from a very young age that the were different from the norm.  But, to be fair, I have also known a few people who have had some life experience that they also felt shaped them that way.  So, I will state again, at the risk of sounding non-PC, people are complicated.  One size does not fit all.  Everyone's story is unique.

So if we can see that personality and sexual orientation are at least 50% genetic, why can't we include kink in this?  Why do people who are a little (or a lot) one side or the other of normal feel shamed and isolated by it?

Oh, I could talk about the history of the formation of our puritan society.  And the thing is, I get that whole aspect, but let's be real, we aren't the only culture that shames kink, and it is not confined to Judeo-Christian based culture either.   Look around at other cultures, all of them have some practices that are considered outside of the acceptable "normal" range.  They may be different than what we choose to shame, but there will be something.

But isn't it about protecting children?  Well, yes, that is important, to protect children and any non-consensual person.  But putting the feelings in the range of shame makes it harder to talk about, drives the activities even more underground, and I believe sets up an environment that actually leads to more harm to victims. In the name of protecting children, children are sometimes not given information to recognize predatory behaviors.  Also, they may be confused by some of their own natural sexuality and the process of shame itself may influence some of their own development on the nurture side of the equation.

In fact, people who grow up in an environment where sexuality is shameful and not to be spoken of are more likely to engage in sexually risky behavior, increasing chances of unwanted pregnancy, STD's, and victimising environments.  And this doesn't even begin to touch on how it blows families apart in blame games when  someone is outside of the norm.  If you can't accept that sexuality in many forms and complexity is at least 50% genetic, then someone has to be responsible.

The truth is, do a scientific survey of any behavior, thought, feeling, orientation, or kink you want - I can just about promise that there is always going to be that classic bell curve, with a "normal" range in the middle, and then people who fall outside of it.  Do one that is about how much a person's self perception agrees with their genitalia.  Do one on how often they feel sexual urges.  Do one on passive vs. dominant.  Do studies on number of partners, gender they are attracted to, desire to commit, desire to reproduce.  One person may fall in very different places, depending what aspect of sexuality you want to discuss.

And saying that is the truth, I still am not saying that people who victimize other people get a free pass 'cause they can't help it.  There are people who are genetically more predisposed to anger, but if they kill they are still going to jail.  Kleptomaniacs can still be arrested for shoplifting.  I could go on, but if you don't get the point by now, then I suspect it is because you have your own reasons for not wanting to admit it - it isn't really that bad or shameful to be a little kinky.

But I was raised with that shame.  And I admit, it is an act of courage to write about it.  It would be even harder to talk about it, to talk about my desires. I was not supposed to feel tickly sometimes when I was 8.  I was not supposed to enjoy being looked at in my bathing suit when I was 11. I was not supposed to enjoy a lot of things over the years, and I felt shame.  I'm a fat old lady and I'm supposed to be beyond all that and shame on me.  Yeah, I confess,  I'm a very very bad girl.  And I'm a little kinky.  How about you?