There are three basic rules in a dysfunctional family: don't talk, don't tell, don't feel.
I learned the lessons well, and have spent many years trying to unlearn them. I have learned to not always be quiet, and I have worked hard to tell my truth. Expressing my feelings, though, in public?
And it isn't just negative feelings. I mean, that is obvious with the other rules, you can't show anyone that you are less than a happy, normal family. But it also is not safe to show good feelings. If I liked something, loved something, wanted something, dreamed something, hoped something - that was something that could be taken away to hurt me. If I was excited or joyful or proud, that was a place I needed to be brought down, taught my place.
My husband was a mirror for me - he understood and would tell me when I was hiding. I don't have a mirror anymore. I don't know if I am letting people see my joy. I don't know if I am sharing my hope or my pride. I think I probably am not, because I am feeling pretty cut off. I am feeling that people don't know me and I'm not having conversations that go beyond the lightest surface of things.
It doesn't help that I am an introvert. It is really easier to just withdraw. In a group, the conversation will usually move past me before I have a chance to fully form my thoughts, let alone speak them.
So I'm writing this here. I need someone in my life who is willing to sit in silence sometimes. I need someone in my life who is willing to call BS as needed. I need someone in my life to be a mirror, show me when I am hiding and keeping it in. Sometimes I go for days without saying one word that isn't polite social stuff, passing humor. Sometimes I go for longer than that without feeling I have connected meaningfully.
I recognize that I'm not easy. I'm sorry.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Friday, April 3, 2015
Amazing
I was just sitting here thinking about a friend. Well, not exactly a friend, someone I kinda know 'cause someone said we should be friends so I friended her and didn't really feel like I had a lot in common with and still don't really know her except what shows up on my news feed but you know what...
She is an amazing person. I mean really cool. Nothing about how she looks or talks or acts would clue me into this, but she does this really mind blowing art.
So I started thinking about all the people I know, all the people who I admire, and some who irritate me. I started thinking about all these lovely, erudite, complex, cool, strange, creative, faithful, brilliant, obnoxious people that I know. And I wonder why they call me friend.
I think I'm boring. I have passion, but not a lot of energy to back it up. Art dances in my head, but rarely makes it much farther. I'm not terribly attractive. I'm nice and I can be funny sometimes and I know I'm my own worse critic but....
I am my own worse critic, but....
Here is my prayer for today: God, help me hear the kind voices of my loving friends today instead of the cruel voices of my past.
Help me understand that there is a reason I have so many amazing friends.
Help me see my own amazing.
Amen
She is an amazing person. I mean really cool. Nothing about how she looks or talks or acts would clue me into this, but she does this really mind blowing art.
So I started thinking about all the people I know, all the people who I admire, and some who irritate me. I started thinking about all these lovely, erudite, complex, cool, strange, creative, faithful, brilliant, obnoxious people that I know. And I wonder why they call me friend.
I think I'm boring. I have passion, but not a lot of energy to back it up. Art dances in my head, but rarely makes it much farther. I'm not terribly attractive. I'm nice and I can be funny sometimes and I know I'm my own worse critic but....
I am my own worse critic, but....
Here is my prayer for today: God, help me hear the kind voices of my loving friends today instead of the cruel voices of my past.
Help me understand that there is a reason I have so many amazing friends.
Help me see my own amazing.
Amen
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