Thoughts at the end of the year

New Years is a deep time for me.  It marks something.  Even before those first promises my new love and I exchanged that night 33 years ago, it has been a time of musing and promises for me.

Oh, not the resolutions to lose weight or do better, but more solemn vows, and more silly.  There have been years of prayer and years of tears, parades and parties, quiet and loneliness.  I think it is a time that we feel the most disappointment and yet always look for hope.

I don't know what I hope for this year, exactly.  There has been good changes for my family lately, and so knowing things will be better is not exactly a hope.  I want my hand to say busier this year, but that is a choice, not a hope.

I could hope for love.

A relationship is hard work.  I'm not saying it isn't worth it, I'm just saying I don't know if I have enough heart left for another grand passion.  Still, I think it would be nice to have a special friend - someone good for an occasional quiet dinner and some good cuddles.  I would like some of that caring and acceptance.  It wouldn't be a bad thing to feel a little desired from time to time.  Mostly it would be nice to have someone hold my hand when I really need to talk, and when I really need to just be quiet.

I would like to see the drama at my workplace just stop, or at least, to not live in fear that it is going to bite me in the ass if I just ignore it and do my job.  Why is it that bored people pick at each other?

I would like to be in that place that I have visited from time to time, that place of feeling centered in God's will and purpose.  Intellectually, I know that is the truth.  I just long for the heart stillness of walking in it, of being aware of the gentle guidance, of seeing with his eyes, hearing with his ears, and loving with his hands.  I want the prayers of my heart to be the desire of his love.

And I hope for you as well, whoever your are reading these words.  I hope that you have what you need: rain and sunshine in season, times that challenge and times of rest.  I hope for you love, I hope for you light, I hope for you life.

Happy New Year.