Thursday, December 18, 2014

Sometimes I want to quit, too.

I have spent years healing.  For me, a great deal of this has been learning that it is ok to be me.  It is important to me to be a person of integrity; that what you see is what you get.  If I have done a kindness or made you feel cared about at some point, it is because that is who I am, not because I'm trying to make people like me.  If I don't really like you, I will be polite, but I will not let you close and will not seek out spending time with you.  I don't play those games.

I do play a game, my hobby, where people profess to hold high the ideals of chivalry and honor. Yet from time to time, and especially over the past few weeks, I have heard stories of people who have hurt other people playing this game.  Now, I know I don't know the whole story, and I know that you can't judge an organization by the bad behavior of a few members.  But people are quitting.  Sometimes I want to quit, too.

Sometimes I don't think I fit.  I don't have it in me to play manipulative games.  I don't form reality show type alliances.  I don't pretend to be someone's friend then stab them in the back.  I take my commitments seriously.  I like to be inclusive.  I like it when everybody feels valued, when everybody wins.

Sometimes I think I don't get it.  I think there are some unwritten rules someplace, and these rules are about being mean and leaving people out as a way to show power.  These rules are that if you are older or weaker, sicker or poorer, then you should expect to be pushed aside, overlooked, and have your work accepted, even expected, but not valued.

Sometimes I think I'm not wanted.  I know that this can be because of my own rejection issues stemming from a very difficult childhood.  But there are still broken places in my heart, and no matter how much I heal there will still be times that no being invited, even for reasons that have nothing to do with me, brings all the sad feels.  And I have learned I just have to ride the feels out, they are what they are and beyond reason.

Sometimes I don't think this is working.  It shouldn't be this hard to have fun.  I shouldn't feel this vulnerable.  I don't have time for this.

I like the play pretend, I like the creativity, and there are friends I love.  I just don't know, sometimes, how to deal with the uglier sides of the game.  So far, the reasons to say have outweighed to quit, sometimes I can practically feel that scale wobbling and shifting.

Sometimes something just isn't worth it.  If I have to compromise who I am to be accepted, it isn't worth it.  If I have to accept bad behavior because someone thinks their pretend power gives them some real power over me, it isn't worth it. If all that I can give right now is not enough, then I guess I am just not enough and it isn't worth it.  When I hear that people are disparaging me behind my back, it isn't worth it.  And even though I know that the actions of individuals do not reflect the whole, I have a great deal of understanding for those who have quit over these kinds of issues.

Sometimes I want to quit, too.

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