New Years is a deep time for me. It marks something. Even before those first promises my new love and I exchanged that night 33 years ago, it has been a time of musing and promises for me.
Oh, not the resolutions to lose weight or do better, but more solemn vows, and more silly. There have been years of prayer and years of tears, parades and parties, quiet and loneliness. I think it is a time that we feel the most disappointment and yet always look for hope.
I don't know what I hope for this year, exactly. There has been good changes for my family lately, and so knowing things will be better is not exactly a hope. I want my hand to say busier this year, but that is a choice, not a hope.
I could hope for love.
A relationship is hard work. I'm not saying it isn't worth it, I'm just saying I don't know if I have enough heart left for another grand passion. Still, I think it would be nice to have a special friend - someone good for an occasional quiet dinner and some good cuddles. I would like some of that caring and acceptance. It wouldn't be a bad thing to feel a little desired from time to time. Mostly it would be nice to have someone hold my hand when I really need to talk, and when I really need to just be quiet.
I would like to see the drama at my workplace just stop, or at least, to not live in fear that it is going to bite me in the ass if I just ignore it and do my job. Why is it that bored people pick at each other?
I would like to be in that place that I have visited from time to time, that place of feeling centered in God's will and purpose. Intellectually, I know that is the truth. I just long for the heart stillness of walking in it, of being aware of the gentle guidance, of seeing with his eyes, hearing with his ears, and loving with his hands. I want the prayers of my heart to be the desire of his love.
And I hope for you as well, whoever your are reading these words. I hope that you have what you need: rain and sunshine in season, times that challenge and times of rest. I hope for you love, I hope for you light, I hope for you life.
Happy New Year.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Sometimes I want to quit, too.
I have spent years healing. For me, a great deal of this has been learning that it is ok to be me. It is important to me to be a person of integrity; that what you see is what you get. If I have done a kindness or made you feel cared about at some point, it is because that is who I am, not because I'm trying to make people like me. If I don't really like you, I will be polite, but I will not let you close and will not seek out spending time with you. I don't play those games.
I do play a game, my hobby, where people profess to hold high the ideals of chivalry and honor. Yet from time to time, and especially over the past few weeks, I have heard stories of people who have hurt other people playing this game. Now, I know I don't know the whole story, and I know that you can't judge an organization by the bad behavior of a few members. But people are quitting. Sometimes I want to quit, too.
Sometimes I don't think I fit. I don't have it in me to play manipulative games. I don't form reality show type alliances. I don't pretend to be someone's friend then stab them in the back. I take my commitments seriously. I like to be inclusive. I like it when everybody feels valued, when everybody wins.
Sometimes I think I don't get it. I think there are some unwritten rules someplace, and these rules are about being mean and leaving people out as a way to show power. These rules are that if you are older or weaker, sicker or poorer, then you should expect to be pushed aside, overlooked, and have your work accepted, even expected, but not valued.
Sometimes I think I'm not wanted. I know that this can be because of my own rejection issues stemming from a very difficult childhood. But there are still broken places in my heart, and no matter how much I heal there will still be times that no being invited, even for reasons that have nothing to do with me, brings all the sad feels. And I have learned I just have to ride the feels out, they are what they are and beyond reason.
Sometimes I don't think this is working. It shouldn't be this hard to have fun. I shouldn't feel this vulnerable. I don't have time for this.
I like the play pretend, I like the creativity, and there are friends I love. I just don't know, sometimes, how to deal with the uglier sides of the game. So far, the reasons to say have outweighed to quit, sometimes I can practically feel that scale wobbling and shifting.
Sometimes something just isn't worth it. If I have to compromise who I am to be accepted, it isn't worth it. If I have to accept bad behavior because someone thinks their pretend power gives them some real power over me, it isn't worth it. If all that I can give right now is not enough, then I guess I am just not enough and it isn't worth it. When I hear that people are disparaging me behind my back, it isn't worth it. And even though I know that the actions of individuals do not reflect the whole, I have a great deal of understanding for those who have quit over these kinds of issues.
Sometimes I want to quit, too.
I do play a game, my hobby, where people profess to hold high the ideals of chivalry and honor. Yet from time to time, and especially over the past few weeks, I have heard stories of people who have hurt other people playing this game. Now, I know I don't know the whole story, and I know that you can't judge an organization by the bad behavior of a few members. But people are quitting. Sometimes I want to quit, too.
Sometimes I don't think I fit. I don't have it in me to play manipulative games. I don't form reality show type alliances. I don't pretend to be someone's friend then stab them in the back. I take my commitments seriously. I like to be inclusive. I like it when everybody feels valued, when everybody wins.
Sometimes I think I don't get it. I think there are some unwritten rules someplace, and these rules are about being mean and leaving people out as a way to show power. These rules are that if you are older or weaker, sicker or poorer, then you should expect to be pushed aside, overlooked, and have your work accepted, even expected, but not valued.
Sometimes I think I'm not wanted. I know that this can be because of my own rejection issues stemming from a very difficult childhood. But there are still broken places in my heart, and no matter how much I heal there will still be times that no being invited, even for reasons that have nothing to do with me, brings all the sad feels. And I have learned I just have to ride the feels out, they are what they are and beyond reason.
Sometimes I don't think this is working. It shouldn't be this hard to have fun. I shouldn't feel this vulnerable. I don't have time for this.
I like the play pretend, I like the creativity, and there are friends I love. I just don't know, sometimes, how to deal with the uglier sides of the game. So far, the reasons to say have outweighed to quit, sometimes I can practically feel that scale wobbling and shifting.
Sometimes something just isn't worth it. If I have to compromise who I am to be accepted, it isn't worth it. If I have to accept bad behavior because someone thinks their pretend power gives them some real power over me, it isn't worth it. If all that I can give right now is not enough, then I guess I am just not enough and it isn't worth it. When I hear that people are disparaging me behind my back, it isn't worth it. And even though I know that the actions of individuals do not reflect the whole, I have a great deal of understanding for those who have quit over these kinds of issues.
Sometimes I want to quit, too.
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