Well, despite my best predictions, it looks like I'm going to keep living for a while. Don't get me wrong. Despite being one of the most cheerful depressed people you will ever meet, I am not actively seeking death. I just haven't been actively seeking to not die, either, and given family history...
So, if this current state of affairs continues, in July of 2015 Disneyland and I will be turning 60. So I was thinking about this the other day, and thinking that it would be fun to get an annual pass again next year and celebrate our great age together. I should be able to save up and plan and make that happen.
But, I better not want it too much. If I want something, just for my own joy, and want it too much, the universe will conspire to make it not happen. I could tell you stories, oh yes I could. I would just as soon prefer not to, though. I want to try to remain a cheerful depressed person. Thanks for noticing.
And then there is this. I haven't been doing anything in particular to keep living. This is how it looked to me: I live in constant pain, I am going to be broke the rest of my life, and I am most likely not going to have another significant other. Well, the pain is better - not gone, but better. And don't try to blow sunshine up my skirt, the other two still apply. The odds of either one changing are minute.
That still doesn't mean that I have the umph to drag my fat old butt around Walt's Dream as I once did. So I guess I better work on, well, this and that. I'm a pretty open person, but there is some stuff I'm pretty private about for twisted reasons of my own, and what I'm eating is none of your business unless we are sharing a meal.
So why am I even talking about this at all. Because I am a stubborn old woman who is going to fly in the face what I feel to my fate in this life, and plan for a future joy. And sit here in fear and trembling that just by saying I want it, it is sure to be snatched from my eager little fingers by some horrible life situation. But, just on the off chance I can pull this off, I hope some of my friends will plan on spending some time with me, some time next year, in that happiest of Kingdoms. And if you see me getting, um, healthier, please don't mention it or my contrariness will rise up in rebellion.
Yeah, I'm that sick and twisted at times, you have no idea. But at least I know.